celebrating immortality

Breathe. Now.

Sometimes sadness seeps in between 10 and 11 pm like that long shadow underneath the old tree. It refuses to go away. It pulls you in. It makes you numb. It says with the loudest voice you’ve ever heard: you’re doing it wrong.

And sometimes sadness is knowing you’ll repeat this when the time comes. Until you’re brave enough to decide otherwise.


Sigur Ros; Hrafntinna

So, baby is teething, this time it’s the front molar and gawd damn she’s cranky. She woke up at 4 am for the second day in a row and I am THIS close of banging my own head on the wall (if only I don’t have the awareness of a distressed adult of how painful it would be).

Her grand-dad kindly offered to take her to a motorbike ride and I got 15 mins to myself (with a painful hangover and no alcohol involved).

But this song is so good. Isn’t it? Reminds me of how resilient humans can be. All we need is a good coping mechanism. And the universe (cue for flying doves and church bells and holy verses on the background) will provide it for you. Well, at least that’s what I believe so I managed to hang on anyway. (And that sentence might be irrelevant after a few minutes of prayers, because the cynical mom is typing).

Aaaaand here comes the baby. Gotta go.

On being a stay-at-home-mom

It’s difficult. I am quickly evolving into a person with many tasks, with no personal identity. My life is now measured by my “success” in raising le baby and taking care of le husband.

I still take freelance jobs sometimes, and even though sometimes it feels like I am slowly killing myself this way, it’s still a good way to remind me of what I am good at.

You see, a lot of people will judge a new mother. And no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that we’ve tried our best, there is always that time when we are weak and the pressure is strong.

So. If you are on your way to motherhood, be warned. Whatever choice you make, people will condemn you. People will talk. They will compare, and they will dissect all your actions.

Be brave, and be kind. At the very least, try to keep the judgements to yourself. Good luck.

about a certain event on a certain day earlier this month

never ever ever underestimate the effect of internet.

the certain event on a certain day earlier this month certainly showed that hate can spread faster than a speeding bullet (yes i was thinking of superman and how irrelevant he would be in a situation like this). Continue reading “about a certain event on a certain day earlier this month”

MPASI – my daily struggle

dulu saya suka heran lihat orangtua yang keukeuh nyuapin anaknya di mana aja, kapan aja. ato orangtua yang kayaknya selalu bawa sendok dan mangkuk, ngikutin ke mana si bocah pergi.

nasib manusia emang muter-muter aja kayak roda becak.
Continue reading “MPASI – my daily struggle”

you’re funny

in a way that only i know how. and you’re reckless, at least once in your life. it’s funny how all of it was once so meaningful and now so vague: like late-night texts and morning headaches. like the smell of damp tobacco and thinning hopes. like a dream crawling out of my window as dawn fell. we were okay, weren’t we?

Full circle

Here we are, my friend. On the final steps of our dark chapter. Or maybe it ended a long time ago when you said you’re sorry. A blurred photo of youth and ignorance drenched in the rain.

We didn’t think too much about it back then. We said yes to probabilities, and to hurting others. And as I brutally understand now: we’re humans and we make mistakes.

Good bye now, good bye. No more words are needed, I suppose, as we’ve come full circle. At last.

bulan tujuh

hampir delapan, malah. manusia kecil itu sudah tidak sekecil yang saya ingat. kenapa waktu seperti berjalan ngebut kalau kau jadikan perubahan bayimu sebagai ukurannya? Continue reading “bulan tujuh”

I bleed

For you, for us, for things I do not understand. For trying to stand up tall every single time. For forcing a smile when all I want is to curl up and swallow the bitter pill.

I bleed, yet this is how I do it. Silently. Behind you. Behind her. Because I know no other way.

They say this month is different. I agree. I’m skipping the hunger test, but as we all know, there is always another test. Right around the corner.

This time, I have no energy left to fight back.

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